“Dash it all!” I cried as I surveyed myself in the mirror.
“Sir?” Jeeves, as he so often did, appeared by my side in my moment of need. “Is there something the matter?” He inquired calmly.
“As a matter of fact Jeeves, there is, hence my exclaim of ‘ Dash it all!’ not a moment ago.”
“Indeed, indeed Jeeves. Just look at it!”
“Pray tell Sir, what is it you wish me to look at?” Without changing a muscle on that implacable face of his I could tell that he could tell what it was I wanted him to look at, so I told him so.
“Even without changing a muscle on that implacable face of yours Jeeves, I can tell that you can tell what I want you to look at – my beard Jeeves! My dash-it-all beard!”
“Beard Sir? I was unaware that one had a beard Sir. I was under the impression that a stray mongrel dog had taken up residence on one’s face Sir.”
Now, never let it be said that Jeeves was unafraid to tell a man when he thought a faux pas had been made in one’s grooming or fashion habits. But this was too far even for Jeeves!
“Oh now come on Jeeves! This is a manly beard if ever there was one, they are all the rage in the city. A man without a beard in this day and age is likely to find himself the object of ridicule as he walks down the street if his face is as unadorned as that of a small boy!”
“Indeed Sir.” Jeeves replied, continuing to study the sturdy growth of hair that had grown upon one’s jaw.
“But look at it,” I said gesturing to the mirror, which gestured back. “Hairs are sticking out at all angles and to the touch you would be mistaken for thinking that it was dry hay!”
“I believe I have the answer Sir; shaving it off would solve the problem.”
“Never Jeeves! Never in my days!” I exclaimed vehemently.
“In that case Sir, I would suggest this…” From within one of the inside pockets of his jacket that he kept for emergencies such as this, Jeeves produced a small brown bottle for my perusal.
“What’s this then – a cure-all? A tonic for what ails you?”
“Beard oil Sir. To be more precise, ‘Percy Nobleman’s Beard Oil’ Sir.”
“Percy Who’s What Oil?”
“Percy Nobleman’s Beard Oil Sir. With regular applications this oil will not only tame but soften the hairs of a gentleman’s beard, thereby producing something that does not look as if a stray mongrel dog has taken up residence on one’s face.”
Before striking up a complaint against Jeeves description of his employers beard I paused and looked at the bottle in my hand once again. Time and again Jeeves had proven himself right in matters too many to mention. Why should this matter be any different?
“Very well Jeeves.” I sighed, resigning to my fate. “ I shall try this Percy’s oil upon my fizzog. But I expect results Jeeves!”
“Very good Sir, I have every faith that it shall indeed provide the result that you wish for.”
I stormed into my residence like the God of Thunder himself.
“Is something the matter Sir?” Jeeves asked calmly as he paused in his task of polishing the silverware.
“You’re right in your assumption Jeeves!” I cried, throwing my coat over the nearest thing I could find for a coat stand, namely the settee. “I’ve had a frightful day all thanks to your Percy Nobleman’s Beard Oil!”
“Did it not tame your hair Sir? Leave it softer, healthier looking?” He inquired.
“Well of course it did Jeeves! So soft and attractive looking that the gals couldn’t keep their hands off the blasted thing! Dash it all – thanks to that oil on my manly beard I’ve only gone and gotten engaged!”
It’s officially that time of year - it’s dark when you wake for work in the morning and darkening whilst you’re on your commute home. It’s also that time of year when even more people than usual are sporting facial hair of some sort in a desperate bid to stave off the encroaching chill of winter.
How principled should the modern man be, you ask?
With great beard, comes great responsibility, and with this there is always one thing that springs to my mind.
For those of you who have followed my previous posts you’ll know that I’m an ambassador of gentlemen’s grooming, and as today marks Men’s Grooming Day across the globe I’ve put together a series of short posts to help you get the very best from your grooming regime.